Baby loss Awareness – Thinking of you – Jo Le Page
This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week, which runs from 9 – 15th October.
Every year, thousands of people experience the loss of a baby in pregnancy, or soon after
birth, and in infancy. This week aims to raise awareness and break the silence around
pregnancy and baby loss. It’s also an opportunity for bereaved parents, and their families
and friends, to unite with others across the world to remember their babies.
Wave of Light is when bereaved families around the world will join together and light a
candle in memory of all babies that have left too soon. Whilst it’s the end of Baby Loss
Awareness week in the UK, it is also International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.
Wave of Light happens worldwide as each time zone hits 7pm on 15th October which
creates a wave of light across the world in honour of those bereaved and in memory of all
those babies who left too soon leaving behind aching arms and broken hearts. Their loss
does still leaves painful memories surrounding the trauma of the situation and sadness. This
is also a time when people who haven’t suffered a loss themselves can take part to support
those that they know or even don’t know out of respect for their loss. You can light a candle
and /or have a minutes silence, or even a seconds silence, or just spare one little thought
and one prayer for bereaved parents worldwide.
This year will be seven years since I went through labour and birth for a baby I knew had
already died. It is especially hard as it happened during baby loss awareness week so every
year there are lots of reminders online in that same week.
It is so strange and cruel to be in the process of labour pains in a maternity birthing room
knowing that there was no need to pack nappies and a baby bag, knowing that you won’t
need the car seat or crib, knowing that you will be going home even emptier than when you
walked in. To feel those powerful surges but without the excitement or expectancy to hear
your baby cry spurring you on, feeling only hopelessness and how agonisingly cruel this
situation is. To feel the body hormones strangely elated at completing birth yet with an empty
hollow feeling inside that won’t go away. And after recovery stepping out into the world again
with people busily shooting past on your right and left, carrying on with life, completely
unaware that you are walking among them and that you just went through this huge trauma.
An experience that you know in that moment will change you for ever and that the memory
of it will never go away. The moment I heard the words “I’m so sorry but I can’t find a
heartbeat” I immediately realised that it is actually possible to love and intensely miss
someone who you have never met. My ten year old daughter still feels this feeling that she
misses her sister. It is incredible how a life that never breathed oxygen or had a chance to
charm those surrounding her can still have such a deep impact on others and evoke such
emotions.
At whatever point of pregnancy loss is loss, pain is pain, never think “well at least
they didn’t get to this many weeks ” or “well at least they already had one” or “well at least it
wasn’t like losing an adult” – pain is pain loss is loss and regardless of the details of our
individual stories our feelings are the same. Many have pretty much apologised for being
upset at losing their baby so early on when other people “go through much worse”, please
don’t apologise for your grief, it is real and it matters. Others including me have experienced
the same gut wrenching trigger that takes us straight back to that traumatic day when a pet
dies, or when we attend a funeral, or when something you were planning for is pulled away suddenly, even though the circumstances can be completely different.
Grief on any level can trigger a post traumatic stress reaction in you as it reminds you of
those awful feelings that you experienced on that occasion.
On each anniversary of our loss my husband and I take the day off work to visit her memorial bench and just be there for each other as it always feels sad as the date approaches, on that day I stay away from social media, try and be present in each moment of the day, acknowledge the feelings as they surge, remember my gratitudes and realise that this pain and sadness which surfaces from time to time is now part of me and just one thread of the ongoing tapestry of my life.
You had a heartbeat, you had a soul, you existed, you mattered. Always loved and never
forgotten.
Something that is fascinating to me is microchimerism. This is when cells from your born or unborn baby live on inside your body for decades afterwards, even passing on to further
children that you have. This is particularly comforting for those that have lost a baby, that
their cells live on inside your body. There are many online medical accounts of this, here is
one account from a website called ‘Ariel Precision Medicine’ which says “As early as the
second week of pregnancy, there is a two-way flow of cells and DNA between the fetus and
the mother. The fetal cells have been found to stay in the mother’s body beyond the time of
pregnancy, and in some cases for as long as decades after the birth of the baby. The
mother’s cells also stay in the baby’s blood and tissues for decades, including in organs like
the pancreas, heart, and skin. In one study, more than half of adults still had maternal cells
in their blood. In some cases, even cells from maternal grandmothers – acquired during a
mother’s own gestation – can be transferred to the fetus. Because some fetal cells stay in
the mother’s body for years, they are also sometimes transferred to future brothers and
sisters of the first child. In this way, older siblings can contribute their cells to those of their
younger siblings. Some studies show that fetal cells are beneficial to mothers, and help in
healing maternal wounds. Furthermore, these fetal cells have been found in the healed scars
following caesarean section and actively participate in the healing process by producing
various skin components, like collagen. The fetal cells in the mother can also transform into
cells needed by the mother, including brain cells, heart cells, and various cells of the immune
system.” (Ariel precision medicine).
I want to say that the three most important words that you can convey to someone who has
lost a loved one of any age are – “thinking of you”. I have had people say to me “sorry I didn’t message you I just didn’t know what to say”. Often we can feel flustered at how to convey that we are there for someone when there are no words that are going to make them feel better. Those three words – “thinking of you” are simple, you don’t have to fluster out some speech, and it shows that you are there for them.
I want to encourage you to go one step further and put you friends loss into your calendar.
Many of us have a phone calendar that can automatically update yearly forever so you don’t
have to remember. I have the date that my friend lost her dad in my phone calendar, on that
date I just text her – “thinking of you”. I have my friends baby loss dates in there too. It also
reminds me to be gentle around them that week and just be mindful and thoughtful that they
may be feeling alone in their grief. People are very good at being there at the time but don’t
always remember each anniversary. This is a good and very simple way to be there for your
friends who have experienced loss. The photo is a card that I was sent this week by a friend
letting me know she was thinking of me, I cried as soon as I read it but it brought much comfort.
A rainbow baby is a term given to a baby who is born after the loss of a baby.
A year after my loss my huge beautiful rainbow bump entered the world loudly at 38 weeks
weighing an impressive 9lb 10!
I sobbed hard in so much relief and gratitude when I heard him cry after nine months of
hoping and praying that he would be born and not taking any milestone for granted.
I discovered that a rainbow baby does not erase the memory of the child before, nor the
hopes and dreams that you had for them or take away the deep pain that so few sincerely
understand. Yet a rainbow baby does give huge comfort during that storm of intense grief,
you finally have what your body felt robbed of, a tiny person to cuddle. I discovered that it is
possible to be looking at your rainbow baby completely saturated in love and gratitude yet at
the same time find tears rolling down your cheeks for the child that you lost.
It is said that after a storm there is a rainbow. A storm still leaves a trail of destruction even
with a rainbow and blue skies shining above it.
Time can be a healer but triggers still linger
and can take you completely by surprise.
I didn’t just write this to celebrate my rainbow baby who is now nearly six but I also wrote this
thinking of those who supported me whether they understood of not and those who have
also experienced storms and rainbows, and for those who have had more than their fair
share of storms and are still waiting for their rainbow. We are all connected by something
tragic but which brings about an empathy only possible through walking the same path.
I am reminded that even on days when we feel alone none of us truly are, I’m grateful for
that, I’m grateful to God and I’m grateful for those who have stood with me holding my hand
I will finish with a poem by “Yvette Mystakas – She is Sacred”
Whether you lost your baby at 6 weeks.
Whether you lost your baby at 12 weeks.
Whether you lost your baby at 16 weeks.
Whether you lost your baby at 20 weeks.
Whether it is your first loss.
Whether it is your second loss.
Whether it is your third loss.
Whether it is your fourth loss.
Whether you have not had a child.
Whether you already have a child.
Whether you have two children.
Whether you have three children or more.
Whether you lost your baby in your teens.
Whether you lost your baby in your twenties.
Whether you lost your baby in your thirties.
Whether you lost your baby in your forties.
Whether you lost you baby through IVF
Whether you lost your baby through unplanned pregnancy.
Whether you lost your baby through planned pregnancy.
Whether you lost your baby through surrogacy.
Your pregnancy loss matters.
Your grief matters.
Your tears matter.
You matter.
“Words: Yvette Mystakas – She is Sacred”
Fresh Bread & Faith 